Well, I suck.

It's been one day from a week since I last posted. I've been so caught up and in some serious emotional turmoil. Or maybe I should say, attempting to work myself out of emotional turmoils. I wanted to talk to you so badly last night. I wanted to place my thoughts here. I was just so tired and worn-out. I didn't get to discuss the many things I've been feeling. I kind of touched ground on this in my first post. Not really. Not the way I needed to.

I recently shared something on social media in regards to my needs for detachment. Not just emotionally, but in every aspect of my life. I have a very hard time separating myself from things. I don't mean material. Well, sometimes material (side note: I don't mean in a ridiculous hoarder type of manner) things. But, generally, from relationships of every type. Friendships, acquaintances, coworkers, relations. I have a hard type removing myself from situations that are not good for my overall well-being. So, I'm finally recognizing that I need to learn to give up. I hate the thought of giving up. I truly do. I have always believed that if I see something in you, it has to exist. It has to be real, right? Very wrong.

The thing about me is, I have a tendency to feel too much. Way too much. It's been a struggle my entire life. They tried to medicate me for a long time. I always thought therapy was such a joke. But, it was necessary for me. I didn't like the way medication made me feel. Like I wasn't myself, like I was someone else. I guess I went from feeling way too much to feeling nothing at all. I couldn't deal with that. So, instead, I stuck to Mr. B. One of the greatest men of my life. The best psychologist I've ever shared my thoughts with. He taught me how to pull myself together. He taught me how to keep from falling apart. I used those tools for the bulk of my life, always keeping his words in mind.

Anyway, detachments. My attachment to the person I allowed myself to be caught up in. The person I need to detach myself from more than anything. I received a text message in regards to my post. An inquiry into my need for detachment. A simply ringing question, that made me acknowledge everything. "Are you detaching from me too?"

I had to be honest. I had to state that I am. Not in every way. I want a friendship. I know our friendship could be exceptional. I am a great friend. I know I am. I am a dedicated friend, a supportive friend, a friend who enjoys being a true friend. I can be that, if I could separate myself from what I feel beyond a friendship. I informed this person that I stand in my own way, feeling so much. It makes it hard for me to hold our relationship in the same regards that I hold all of my other friendships because in my heart, there has been potential for so much more than that. I'm not sure how I ended up in that place. But, I did. I stated that I need to balance myself. I need to "find my center", like Mr. B use to say. Because I feel so strongly, I often find myself feeling emotions unbearable to me. It's either full-force, or not at all. Unfortunately, it doesn't benefit me. It often results in a back-fire. Instead, I have to be cautious. I literally have to limit my feelings. It's torture for me, too. I don't feel like I should have to live limiting what is real for me. I'm accepting within the last week that I really, really need to. I don't want to be numb to the world again. It's almost like I have to be. I have to be.

Maniac.