It's a brand new year.

While 2014 was "exceptional in its own right", any year that I see through entirely is a year that I enjoy tremendously. So many people have been taken by war and chaos, illness, ignorance, greed... among so many other things. I remind myself daily in acknowledgement of how much worse things could be in my life. Yet, I cannot help the things that effect me personally. We all struggle differently.

A quarter of a century. Is it just me, or does 25 years seem like a much longer period of time when you think of it as a quarter of a century? For a while, I think i felt a little lost. I dealt with a lot ending 2013 and going into 2014. It wasn't the best period of time. Here I am. It's been a year. Things are definitely different, and yet... they're kind of the same. Can you understand? I think I'm evolving as a person. But, many of the factors of my life have been relatively consistent. Well, with the exception of moving this year, things have been pretty consistent. My job is still the same job. I still enjoy what I do and do not anticipate that to change when welcoming 2016 in 364 days. I still suck at having and maintaining a love life. I still anticipate everything, and premeditate. I still obsess and find myself consumed in thoughts and feelings that I probably shouldn't. I'm still really good at giving advice that I suck at following myself; the friend who has any answer for everyone else's problems, when I can't even tend to my own in the same manner. It's not even done hypocritically.

I've been so emotional lately. I've always been very dramatic person. It's just a part of my character. But, I think it's easy for me to separate myself. I think maybe it's too easy a lot of the time. It's not that I don't care. It's just that I have to be able to accept things for what they are, or I would've been destroyed as a person a long time ago. I don't have to run from what I feel. I'd rather run towards it head on. I mean, even if I hurt ultimately, I can at least take something out of the fact that I tried. I can find pleasure in the reality of the pain I've endured and conquered. Too often, pain is the only thing that seems to be real anymore.

You know.. I've been so torn in my heart and soul. Torn over love that should be, what does not exist, what should but is not. I've encountered those willing to move hell and high waters to please me. I've had people capable of convincing me without any hesitation of their level of dedication to me. Sometimes, I wonder what the hell my problem is when I sit and acknowledge their presence in my life and the extent of what they would do for me per request or what I may feel is necessary. Yet and still, I feel cold. Almost so much that I'm not really sure who I am. Then, there are the rare occasions when I feel so much more than what I can fathom realistically. It's frightening. I often end up putting myself in positions I know good and damn well are not going to benefit me in the least. I don't mean to make it sound like I feel like every relationship should be beneficial to my life. Oh... actually, that's exactly what I mean. It's just like, I am dedicated to a fault, as I am honest, loyal, and loving in the same degree. I become too invested way too quickly. I don't need to have a reason other than what my heart is certain of. That is all I need. People so quickly want to warn you against wearing your heart on your sleeve and yet I refuse to be any other way. Who I am in my heart defines me. I am not an actress. I do not get paid to exist. I merely exist. In this world where nothing will ever truly belong to any of us, all we have is who we are. At least, I believe that there is nothing more important than the content of who I am. I will stand by everything that I feel. I will never allow someone to convince me that I'm not allowed to feel intensely about the things that are relevant or important to me in my life. Therefore, pain is something I do encounter often. Disappointment is the biggest form of heartbreak. Sometimes I wish I didn't have the ability to see what I truly know to be the person someone is or could be from the moment we interact. Often, others are unaware of this themselves and I often find myself in a position of utter let-down. I can't expect more of persons than they're willing to be or provide for and of themselves. I know this. I know this. I absolutely know this.

I do it anyway.

Why can't I want things to be great? Extraordinary? Life-changing?!

I'm rambling because no one else has to understand. But, I wish I could really understand myself. I can separate myself so easily from what I should be clinging to, I can never get away from the things that are ultimately toxic. Oh, because I believe the heart wants what it wants and I'm a stupid little immature naive little baby, OBVIOUSLY.

I'm sorry. Sometimes, I frustrate the shit out of myself. It is just the most annoying. The absolute most annoying. I don't want to care, so I care too much. I break myself down and you don't even care. You don't even care. But, I shouldn't care. I am trying so hard with this new year to recognize the reality of my situations for what they are. I can't force my fairy-tale. Sometimes, I wish I knew you before. I really wish I knew you in a period that may have been developmental. How do you teach something to someone who has an answer for everything? How do you compete with something familiar, with history and truth, interactions, experience? You can't make someone see something they aren't even interested in looking at. It's like someone saying they're interested in purchasing from your catalog but then refusing to view it. It just doesn't make sense.

I'm done. I have nothing else to say on it. I feel like I've done the most and the best that I can. It's a brand new year. It's something so much fresh and new. It's the beginning to something I myself can set the tone for. It's to something beautiful.

Until we meet again.