I've found a way out of my head. I just fill it with a million other irrelevant things.

I am so glad I had the weekend off. I needed this weekend. You know, I've barely thought of you at all. But, I've thought of you. I've reached out to you. I shouldn't have. I need to learn to stay away. You'll come around when you want to. By the time you do, I pray to God I'm over you.

I had an amazing weekend. A lot of time spent with those I adore. Some great laughs with even greater people. Let's recap just a little bit.

Well, I suck.

It's been one day from a week since I last posted. I've been so caught up and in some serious emotional turmoil. Or maybe I should say, attempting to work myself out of emotional turmoils. I wanted to talk to you so badly last night. I wanted to place my thoughts here. I was just so tired and worn-out. I didn't get to discuss the many things I've been feeling. I kind of touched ground on this in my first post. Not really. Not the way I needed to.

I recently shared something on social media in regards to my needs for detachment. Not just emotionally, but in every aspect of my life. I have a very hard time separating myself from things. I don't mean material. Well, sometimes material (side note: I don't mean in a ridiculous hoarder type of manner) things. But, generally, from relationships of every type. Friendships, acquaintances, coworkers, relations. I have a hard type removing myself from situations that are not good for my overall well-being. So, I'm finally recognizing that I need to learn to give up. I hate the thought of giving up. I truly do. I have always believed that if I see something in you, it has to exist. It has to be real, right? Very wrong.

The thing about me is, I have a tendency to feel too much. Way too much. It's been a struggle my entire life. They tried to medicate me for a long time. I always thought therapy was such a joke. But, it was necessary for me. I didn't like the way medication made me feel. Like I wasn't myself, like I was someone else. I guess I went from feeling way too much to feeling nothing at all. I couldn't deal with that. So, instead, I stuck to Mr. B. One of the greatest men of my life. The best psychologist I've ever shared my thoughts with. He taught me how to pull myself together. He taught me how to keep from falling apart. I used those tools for the bulk of my life, always keeping his words in mind.

Anyway, detachments. My attachment to the person I allowed myself to be caught up in. The person I need to detach myself from more than anything. I received a text message in regards to my post. An inquiry into my need for detachment. A simply ringing question, that made me acknowledge everything. "Are you detaching from me too?"

I had to be honest. I had to state that I am. Not in every way. I want a friendship. I know our friendship could be exceptional. I am a great friend. I know I am. I am a dedicated friend, a supportive friend, a friend who enjoys being a true friend. I can be that, if I could separate myself from what I feel beyond a friendship. I informed this person that I stand in my own way, feeling so much. It makes it hard for me to hold our relationship in the same regards that I hold all of my other friendships because in my heart, there has been potential for so much more than that. I'm not sure how I ended up in that place. But, I did. I stated that I need to balance myself. I need to "find my center", like Mr. B use to say. Because I feel so strongly, I often find myself feeling emotions unbearable to me. It's either full-force, or not at all. Unfortunately, it doesn't benefit me. It often results in a back-fire. Instead, I have to be cautious. I literally have to limit my feelings. It's torture for me, too. I don't feel like I should have to live limiting what is real for me. I'm accepting within the last week that I really, really need to. I don't want to be numb to the world again. It's almost like I have to be. I have to be.

Maniac.

It's a brand new year.

While 2014 was "exceptional in its own right", any year that I see through entirely is a year that I enjoy tremendously. So many people have been taken by war and chaos, illness, ignorance, greed... among so many other things. I remind myself daily in acknowledgement of how much worse things could be in my life. Yet, I cannot help the things that effect me personally. We all struggle differently.

A quarter of a century. Is it just me, or does 25 years seem like a much longer period of time when you think of it as a quarter of a century? For a while, I think i felt a little lost. I dealt with a lot ending 2013 and going into 2014. It wasn't the best period of time. Here I am. It's been a year. Things are definitely different, and yet... they're kind of the same. Can you understand? I think I'm evolving as a person. But, many of the factors of my life have been relatively consistent. Well, with the exception of moving this year, things have been pretty consistent. My job is still the same job. I still enjoy what I do and do not anticipate that to change when welcoming 2016 in 364 days. I still suck at having and maintaining a love life. I still anticipate everything, and premeditate. I still obsess and find myself consumed in thoughts and feelings that I probably shouldn't. I'm still really good at giving advice that I suck at following myself; the friend who has any answer for everyone else's problems, when I can't even tend to my own in the same manner. It's not even done hypocritically.

I've been so emotional lately. I've always been very dramatic person. It's just a part of my character. But, I think it's easy for me to separate myself. I think maybe it's too easy a lot of the time. It's not that I don't care. It's just that I have to be able to accept things for what they are, or I would've been destroyed as a person a long time ago. I don't have to run from what I feel. I'd rather run towards it head on. I mean, even if I hurt ultimately, I can at least take something out of the fact that I tried. I can find pleasure in the reality of the pain I've endured and conquered. Too often, pain is the only thing that seems to be real anymore.

You know.. I've been so torn in my heart and soul. Torn over love that should be, what does not exist, what should but is not. I've encountered those willing to move hell and high waters to please me. I've had people capable of convincing me without any hesitation of their level of dedication to me. Sometimes, I wonder what the hell my problem is when I sit and acknowledge their presence in my life and the extent of what they would do for me per request or what I may feel is necessary. Yet and still, I feel cold. Almost so much that I'm not really sure who I am. Then, there are the rare occasions when I feel so much more than what I can fathom realistically. It's frightening. I often end up putting myself in positions I know good and damn well are not going to benefit me in the least. I don't mean to make it sound like I feel like every relationship should be beneficial to my life. Oh... actually, that's exactly what I mean. It's just like, I am dedicated to a fault, as I am honest, loyal, and loving in the same degree. I become too invested way too quickly. I don't need to have a reason other than what my heart is certain of. That is all I need. People so quickly want to warn you against wearing your heart on your sleeve and yet I refuse to be any other way. Who I am in my heart defines me. I am not an actress. I do not get paid to exist. I merely exist. In this world where nothing will ever truly belong to any of us, all we have is who we are. At least, I believe that there is nothing more important than the content of who I am. I will stand by everything that I feel. I will never allow someone to convince me that I'm not allowed to feel intensely about the things that are relevant or important to me in my life. Therefore, pain is something I do encounter often. Disappointment is the biggest form of heartbreak. Sometimes I wish I didn't have the ability to see what I truly know to be the person someone is or could be from the moment we interact. Often, others are unaware of this themselves and I often find myself in a position of utter let-down. I can't expect more of persons than they're willing to be or provide for and of themselves. I know this. I know this. I absolutely know this.

I do it anyway.

Why can't I want things to be great? Extraordinary? Life-changing?!

I'm rambling because no one else has to understand. But, I wish I could really understand myself. I can separate myself so easily from what I should be clinging to, I can never get away from the things that are ultimately toxic. Oh, because I believe the heart wants what it wants and I'm a stupid little immature naive little baby, OBVIOUSLY.

I'm sorry. Sometimes, I frustrate the shit out of myself. It is just the most annoying. The absolute most annoying. I don't want to care, so I care too much. I break myself down and you don't even care. You don't even care. But, I shouldn't care. I am trying so hard with this new year to recognize the reality of my situations for what they are. I can't force my fairy-tale. Sometimes, I wish I knew you before. I really wish I knew you in a period that may have been developmental. How do you teach something to someone who has an answer for everything? How do you compete with something familiar, with history and truth, interactions, experience? You can't make someone see something they aren't even interested in looking at. It's like someone saying they're interested in purchasing from your catalog but then refusing to view it. It just doesn't make sense.

I'm done. I have nothing else to say on it. I feel like I've done the most and the best that I can. It's a brand new year. It's something so much fresh and new. It's the beginning to something I myself can set the tone for. It's to something beautiful.

Until we meet again.